sunny disasters

I like the sun on my face past 5pm in the evening Alone with my thoughts and a song on repeat Overthinking everything that comes out of my mouth Questioning my worth as the coffee - which is a little more bitter than usual — washes down one shard of self abuse after the other I like believing in people I like it when people don’t go back on their words I like believing in pretty lies that you spin When you tell me you’ll be around guess I’ll watch you prove me wrong Stronger than I’ve ever been I’ll say ‘don’t make promises you can’t keep’ Because that is the cliche line- words I don’t believe even as I puke them out onto the pavement — to let you know that all this is momentary Even though I can see you fit into my life As I make space for yet another person Yet another life, another heartbreak As if you’re a new trophy, just a little shinier than the rest that I have collected I am afraid of being left Not alone, but with a boat load of memories of someone Who never plans to return and collect the wreckage I am terrified of waking up- from you, from love — because it is more genuine in existence in my dreams I cry on my way home, in the rain after a hard day I sniffle silently as I blend into the cold showers of November I smile when someone has broken my heart Because I’d rather die than let them know that I hurt too That I’m probably more human than I am meant to be